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THE ANIMAL, PORN, AND FINDING JESUS || PART 2

August 2, 2012 in My Journey, Relationships with 12 Comments

Open Text: Consequently, including the words “animal” and “porn” in sequence within your title opens you up to an entirely new audience. Google, Yahoo, Bing and all the like send me a breakdown of how my blog is found, what people type to find my blog,  and how many times the specific topic is searched ultimately leading to… here. Needless to say, my blog is now exposed to a new audience. An audience I warmly welcome. And since you are now here, how ever you got here, I want to tell you: 1. You are not alone. Both men and women live with the same struggle everyday. There are tons of resources for both men ||Click Here|| andwomen ||Click Here|| out there just waiting for you.  2. Your sin and struggle is not your identity. You are not some swamp monster living in the Florida marshes. Whether you believe it or not Jesus died for your sins and would love to take the burden off your shoulders. 3.You CAN live without it. I remember the first guy I met who told me, “I don’t look at porn.” I pegged him as a liar at first, but have since joined him along with tons of other men and women living happily porn-free lives.  4. Feel free to email me Here.
–@NicksEdwards.

It was my first time walking into the Nagel’s. I don’t remember who wrangled me into going to a small group  called “Guys Group”. Small groups usually weren’t my thing, but then again this was not really a small group. It was actually just a bunch of guys from different churches and different school getting together every monday night since… no one remembers. The first night I remember the blood rushing to my feet when the guys began to share all of their struggles with an alarming amount of transparency. Alarming only to me because most of my secrets were tucked deep inside me. The first week I didn’t open up because heck… I don’t want to tell anyone any of the struggles I had. I was 14 and wanted to be cool. Cool kids don’t have struggles. Luckily for me, these young guys, with puberty in full swing, became my type of cool kids. This group radically transformed my early walk with the the Lord. I found Continue Reading…

A JOYFUL INTERLUDE IN LOS ANGELES

July 26, 2012 in Community, Relationships with 11 Comments

LOS ANGELES  

I’m currently in the middle of a two part post about me finding Jesus as an unbeliever, and then rediscovering him again as a Christian. But, lest I only talk about my trouble, hurts, misunderstandings, discoveries, and healings I received, I have to take time to acknowledge the past week I spent in Los Angeles.

As a blogger/writer/etc. I am supposed to bring you some form of inspiration. Some kind of writing and some kind of story that charges and challenges you on ways to make life better, ways to tread less selfishly, ways to live more productively, or ways to live honestly. Ultimately, I hope to inspire you through what I’ve gleaned from my trials, failures and successes, but every once in a while I just have a story to tell.

Last week I was honored to step foot in my home country. I got off the plane at LAX and inhaled deeply the smoggy air. My first order of business, after my 15 hour flight, was to grab some grub with a friend, Peter. I had met him back in Taiwan and he just so happened to live in Los Angeles. After fine dinning I was dropped off at an oh-so-trendy coffee joint to grab my first cup of damn good coffee in nearly half a year #firstworldproblems. Sipping on my perfectly tended to Black Cat espresso, I began to feel a smidge of culture shock sink in as I eavesdropped into conversations around me. I was aware of the Fifty Shades of Gray hype. I was unaware that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were an item, but that’s old news. The real shocker was Continue Reading…

THE WORST RELATIONSHIP HE EVER ENDED

June 14, 2012 in My Journey, Relationships with 19 Comments

I used to live in America. I used to enjoy the comfort of a bed with no mosquito net, and live without fear of spiders the size of my fist. Where I could drink cool water from my faucet knowing that some small critter was not about to enjoy my insides without my approval, though I don’t think I would ever approve of a small critter making his abode in my large intestine.

I left my home where I could step out of my house and within five minutes be holding one of the best americanos  around. To you coffee connoisseurs, I encourage you to be ok with breaking your commitment of only allowing exquisite coffee to enter your body. If you don’t, you won’t last in my new neighborhood.

Sunday, I slept through a large earthquake. Tuesday, pictures of Taiwanese riding inflatable whales in front of 7-eleven, due to flooding, emerged. They make inflatable whales here. I was awake for yesterday’s earthquake, and I am excited for the typhoon en route for this island. I have never been in a typhoon before, but I love the band Typhoon so it should be great. Rainy Oregon, eat your heart out.

Did I mention flying cockroaches?

I dropped everything I had in Oregon three months ago and hitched a ride to Taiwan. It was never a part of my plan. Four months ago I would have told you I was headed north to work on music, or headed south to work on writing. If you had asked me I would have also thrown in the option of installing synthetic turf fields, the ones the big leagues play on, in Guatemala. Or maybe I told you I am Portland bound to finish my undergrad.  I was a bag so full of ideas that Santa would have had trouble carrying it. Living in Taiwan was not in the bag. Working with a bunch of men and woman passionately serving the very God I had been disconnected from, for who knows how long, was never the game plan.

Three years ago I was teaching life skills to high school students in the largest slum in South Africa. I hate to use these words because of the stigma they carry, and heaven forbid a christian feel anything except melancholy, but I was full of joy, passion, and excitement.

160 days ago I woke up late for work with a wine hangover. Heavily depressed, but you would have never known, because I had maintained the “young man after God’s own heart, teaching kids in some foreign country life skills” disguise. I attribute my clever disguise to my smile and the street-cred that comes with returning home from one of the nation’s most prestigious bible colleges. My smile was paid for by my parents and two years of braces. The bible college taught me the theology of church fathers, and how to roll fantastic cigarettes. It also helped that I would play for my church on Sundays. Gotta’ keep appearance up so no one knows how jacked up I really am. I also forgot to mention that, IAM NickEdwards: Amazing at social media preservation.

Some where between Africa, and the house located in an area deemed “the Highland Hood”  in Salem, Oregon I entered into a deceptive relationship. Not a relationship with a girl, or a guy, but a relationship with God. And it took me leaving everything I knew and was comfortable with to realize just how gnarly my relationship with God had become. To look up from my boat, and realize how far down stream I had drifted.

When I packed my suitcase-and-a-half full and came to Taiwan I said goodbye to the worst relationship I was ever in. My old relationship with a god.  When I said goodbye to it, I welcomed a new relationship with God. In his mercy he took me from my own delusion, a god based on compromise, drunken nights to which I would show the condemnation police my “Grace- Get outta’ hell free” card.

Maybe you are upset to find out I was on stage with a hangover. I’ll take that. Maybe this resonates with your past. Maybe it resonates with you currently, to which I would tell you, “Get outta’ your compromised relationship with whoever you have turned God into, and enter into a relationship with the God that brings life, joy in pain, joy for the sake of joy, and salvation. And so much more.”

DEVILS TERRITORY, WHERE WE TAKE REFUGE

June 7, 2012 in Faith, Relationships with 6 Comments

Two days ago I was asked, “What do you do when you get hurt?” I fumbled my words and came up with something that sounded reverent to my Christian beliefs. It went something like, “Well, I let the Lord take my hurts. I pray. I Listen to a Sufjan Stevens song. I Have a good ol’ fashioned quiet time. Stuff every christian does.” But then again, I don’t really remember, because it was just regurgitated words I have picked up along the way from books, teachers, musicians, and friends. What I was really saying was , “The Christian way of getting over pain,” or, “Cool stuff Christians use to distract them from pain (until it goes away).”

Good thing this guy Tysen called my bluff. Better yet he told me how I (actually) handle hurt and pain. I handle hurt and pain by way of bitterness.

But calm your worrying mind, I have got it all under control. I have been training as a bitterness ninja for years. I’d most likely have a black belt in bitterness, that’s of course if ninjas actually used karate. Using my skill of bitterness I am able to turn my emotions off towards an individual, distance myself, which seamlessly helps me bypass hurt. Because if you tell yourself you are not friends with the person who causes you pain you can avoid it all together.

The devil has been inviting me into his territory for years, and as a believer I have willingly walked his ground. I entered into his territory under the deception of protection. That is what I have been promised anyway. “Nick, I will protect you from hurt and pain.” It is no surprise that we choose the path of least resistance, so who wouldn’t want protection from hurt and pain? We trek on into this deceitfully protective territory under seemingly wise guidance. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, when this guy gives you advice he doesn’t wear his own name tag. He’ll wear name tags like Bill, Marg, #instagram, bitterness, pornography, food, video games, drugs, sex, and rock n’ roll. He will do watever it takes to convince you to take refuge in his territory from pain and hurt. All the while he neglects to tell you that in this land you enter into isolation, depression, and spiritual atrophy. The cost is worth the protection of pain and hurt. Right?

To protect you is his election 2012 promise. My promise of protection comes through bitterness. Yours may come through keeping silent. It may come by way of anger. It may come by finding sexual intimacy with a past lover, or a new one. It may come through your late night pornography escapades. Protection may come by your body image, which is why you work out way too much  and throw up after every lunch. We each have our refuge uniquely designed for us, and we each use it to bypass pain and hurt. What we neglect to see on that big sign that says “Your place of protection,” which marks the entry of the territory, is the small subscript on the bottom right corner that adds, “where you come to lose your soul.” Just kidding, he wouldn’t risk you reading that.

I believe in Jesus, and have for years, but have allowed myself to fall under the protection of bitterness.  I am not ashamed to admit it. Infact, admitting it is my only way out, and your only way out. To admit, even as believers, that we have a problem. We take security in things other than the One who is security. We choose the path of least resistance, but no longer.

Jesus promises to protect too. It is a bit unconventional and at times we feel un-tasteful. His method of protection is allowing us to walk straight into hardship, pain, and suffering while turning his head towards us to say, “I am here. You can do it. I believe in you. You cannot fail, because I cannot fail in you.” and bring us out the other side stronger, healthier, wiser, full of life, and joy.

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Welcome to the space created to give you the monologue of my life, in hopes it creates a dialogue with yours.

OUR UNINTENTIONAL AFFAIR ON HONESTY

May 31, 2012 in Faith, Relationships with 13 Comments

“I liked it. Everyone in my house liked it.” Naphtalie responded to the question I asked her. The best kind of critique comes from your family right? Not always but in my case, the critique my sister gives is usually harsh and almost always true.

She looked at me, “Nick your writing is good, and people enjoy it, but your writing could be better.” For reasons unknown to me, I knew she was about to corner one of my biggest fears.

“You are giving the perception of honesty, without actually being honest,” she said. I remember sitting in my Anthropology class when the professor called upon me to read, for the class, an excerpt from the materiel we were currently reading. I was surprised that he knew my name, and even more surprised to be called on while I was in the middle of responding to a tweet. I had no idea where I was supposed to read from and my professor knew it. The Ol’ Dog… he caught me. What I felt in the class was close friends with what I was feeling in front of my sister.

“If you wrote honestly for honesty’s sake, instead of using honesty as a means to attract more readers, then you would be a better writer.” She realized a fear I was unwilling to admit, but had no way of escaping from. Unless, of course, I was willing to address the elephant who placed himself peculiarly in the middle of my room, threw some cool magazines, a half empty coffee cup, and my laptop on his back to give the impression he was actually my coffee table. Sir Elephant, there is no more room for you at la Casa de Edwards.

My fear is not unusual, but on the contrary, my fear is much like yours. I fear true honesty. I will be as honest with you as any another guy as long as it is within my control, but no more. The truthfully honest would show you something out of my control. The truthfully honest would reveal areas of me that need grace, and  forgiveness. The truthfully honest takes control out of my hands and puts it in into others’. But who wants to do that? Who on earth wants to reveal to those closest to them their weakness, their pride, selfishness, arrogance, lust, dirty secrets, and shameful acts? Who wants to be the one who “needs grace?” I sure don’t. I don’t want to be honest out side of my control because that would show I am flawed, and in this perfect world it is hard to find room in a church for this imperfect soul. If there is no room for this imperfect soul in church, then that leaves me no other option then to search elsewhere. My fear.

“I have reconsidered Sir Elephant, you are welcome to stay, I don’t know what I would do without a coffee table anyhow,” said selfish, unwilling to grow, Nick.

Our inability to be honest outside of our control is misplaced identity. We have put the power of grace and forgiveness into the hands of flawed people, and hinged our worth on what they choose.  Sometimes it works, most the time it does not. We took our identity out of the hands that fashioned them. Out of the hands of Jesus. In the hands of Jesus there is no shame too shameful nor dirt too dirty. In these hands you and I are new. You and I are clean.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” – 2 Corinthians 5:17

As for our imperfect souls? I am going to tell you all about my past, present and future. It’s going to be shaky, and a little dirty, and quite unlike all the celebrity pastors I know. You should join me. I’m not there yet, but I’m on my way. And our weakness?

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” – 2 Corinthians 12:9

Let us boast all the more gladly of our weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon us.

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Welcome to the space created to give you the monologue of my life, in hopes it creates a dialogue with yours.

GRACE, WILL YOU MARRY ME

May 10, 2012 in My Journey, Relationships with 9 Comments

I am not requesting a civil union with you. Between us, I kind of despise the idea of being two in one relationship. You fulfilling your role so I may love you, or me fulfilling mine. What I am really asking is if you would go old school with me. Before hipsters and before King David. Would you join with me? Would you become one flesh with me?
Not many people know this, but I need you.  I know a man is not supposed to say he needs anything. Right? Don’t answer, I know. But I have to confess I can’t live without you. I was never meant to live without you.

You see Grace, I have an issue. I am not perfect. Surprised right? I know we all are. Nick Edwards. Nope not perfect. If you want perfect, I have the guy for you. His name is Joel Osteen. He will take you in, shine you up, and seven steps from now you will be the best you, you could have ever imagined. If you want, perfect check him out.

Sorry, I should not be so hard on him. Don’t tell anyone I shared that with you. Hopefully  you see why I need you.

I am astonished you would wait around for a rugged man like myself, but as I grow closer to you I realize you had no intentions of ever leaving. I don’t doubt that my life has been tough for you to watch. Through countless relationships you offered your expertise. Telling me how to be soft with others, and soft with myself. You were never controlling though time after time I rejected your advice. Instead you waited patiently with arms wide open waiting for me. How could you be so forgiving? Even after the times I resented you, and laughed at your idealism. Wake up Grace, this is real life. People don’t forgive people, they move away to forget the wrongs that were done to them. I have forgiveness figured out and you should heed my advice. You forgive, but make sure you post a sticky note reading: FORGIVEN, BUT____.

You have taught me otherwise. I thought I understood forgiveness. I even teamed up with those who sounded, looked, walked, acted and #instagrammed like you, but they were not you. Fantastic imitators, but still only imitators. Your patience has brought me to my knees and you have shown me what forgiveness means. You have acted contradictory to the way I have lived and held me under no conditions. Conditions I rightfully deserved. You waited for the day I would finally expose something you already knew. That I, Nick Edwards, am not complete without you.

Grace, would you marry me?

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Welcome to the space created to give you the monologue of my life, in hopes it creates a dialogue with yours.